Betrayal Healing Phases
Quiz Results
The 4 Phases of Healing
Based on your responses, your results show that you’re in:
Phase Four: Rebuild
In this phase of healing, the top priority is your healing.
Whether your relationship has been restored, stalled out, or has ended in divorce—you have some degree of resolution.
Now it’s time to focus on you, reconnect with yourself, and rebuild your future.
The important thing is to pause and take stock of where you are and where you want to go.
You may have scars and bruises from the journey.
You may feel stronger than ever.
You may feel proud and grounded.
But you may also feel scared and broken.
ALL these feelings are 100% normal. There is no right or wrong to where you should be or how you should feel.
Remember:
His betrayal does NOT define you!
During this phase, chances are you may feel many different emotions.
Do any of these sound familiar?
- I don’t know who I am anymore.
- I wouldn’t wish THIS on my worst enemy, but I know now that I am strong.
- I’ve known for a long time that the betrayal was still affecting me, but I am finally ready to do something about it.
- I am now free to enjoy my life and not be on the emotional roller coaster of fear and anger.
Here’s the good news, you’re finally in a place where you can focus on YOUR healing.
And because of that you’re coming out from the pain that’s held you down and can finally taste freedom.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself that will help you know where you are and where you still need to lean into healing . . .
- What areas in your life do you feel like still need healing—but avoid confronting them because you don’t want to feel the pain?
- Are there survival habits that are no longer serving you (such as using sugar or caffeine to manage your moods, drinking too much, overworking as a way to avoid the pain, etc.)
- How has this journey changed you?
- What have you lost? What have you gained?
Consider spending some time to journal through the questions and dig in. It may seem daunting, but you can do it! You’ve already overcome so much.
The key is to keep going in this final phase of healing.
Let me let you in on a secret:
Sometimes after sexual betrayal, the relationship that needs the most healing is the relationship with yourself.
You might feel like you can’t trust yourself any longer. Maybe you’re angry with yourself for not realizing what your partner was doing (even if you had a gut feeling that something was wrong).
You could even be upset with yourself that you’ve stayed in the relationship this long—your head and heart sending conflicting messages at every turn…
If you feel this way, let me guide you through 3 core aspects of the healing process that are vital to healing and the relationship with yourself.
These three core aspects of healing include:
01
→ Developing your personal circle:
Put your arms out in a circle—this is your personal circle (it represents you).
Inside the circle is everything that makes you, you. This includes your emotions, likes and your dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, personality, dreams, failures, your favorite ice cream…everything.
Your personal circle (1) identifies who you are (2) defines what (and who) you’re responsible for.
This is the first step of healing — to reconnect with — or perhaps discover for the first time — who you are.
Once you have figured out what’s in your circle, the second step of developing your personal circle is to take responsibility for everything in that circle. If there’s an aspect of yourself that you’re neglecting, lean in and nurture it.
Your job is to love, care for, and own your circle.
The last step of developing your personal circle is to recognize that by defining what’s in your circle, you have also defined what’s not in your circle.
You see, other than young children, everyone else has their own circle. They are responsible for everything in their circle — their emotions, reactions, likes, dislikes, successes, and failures, to name a few.
Your partner has his own circle, and he is responsible for his actions, emotions, and reactions to you—don’t take on what’s not in your circle.
02
→ Honoring your emotions:
Betrayal unleashes intense emotions.
It’s important to process those emotions so they do not fester inside you and kill your soul.
The way to process emotions is by putting all of your thoughts and feelings into words. Get them out!
When you bury your emotions, you bury them alive. They don’t die. Instead, they hang out and low-grade fester for as long as you choose to ignore them.
Time does NOT heal all wounds—healthy processing does.
If your partner is safe, then express them to him. If he’s not safe, you may need to share them with a counselor or a safe friend.
03
→ Embracing your worth and value:
You have great worth and value. Your thoughts and feelings are important.
If you struggle to believe this, get people around you to help you step more fully into those truths. There’s POWER when you embrace your self-worth and trust the truth.
The truth is that your sheer existence makes you worthy.
Think of your child, grandchild, or your pet Shih Tzu. Do they have to prove their worth? Is their value based on how they perform or what they look like?
No! The same is true for you.
You are here for a reason. You have a purpose, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
You don’t have to fight for your worth. You already have it. You just have to accept it.
Embracing these three core aspects of the healing process is the first step to healing after a betrayal.
“Feeling the pain is the first step toward healing the pain. The longer we avoid the feeling, the more we delay our healing. We can numb it, ignore it, or pretend it doesn’t exist, but all those options lead to an eventual breakdown, not a breakthrough.”
Lysa TerKeurst
It’s possible to heal. It’s possible to get to a place where…
- You can breathe again without feeling like there’s a 20-pound weight on your chest, crushing you.
- You can get through a day without something reminding you of what’s happened, making you crumble to your knees.
- You’ll see joy and purpose in life again.
AND…
- You’re finally able to find your voice, set healthy boundaries, and feel empowered to make healthy decisions for yourself.
Everyone needs help along the way.
Here are some of my favorite books that might be helpful as you navigate your journey to healing.
- Betrayal Bind – Michelle Mays
- Worthy of Her Trust– Jason Martinkus
- Shattered Vows – Debra Laaser
- Try Softer – Aundi Kolber
“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.”
Unknown
I was able to climb to the top and make my way out of that disgusting, gaping hole of misery. Tammy promised me that there was a good life ahead, and she was right.
“When my partner unceremoniously destroyed the life I viewed as a fairytale, I found myself alone at the bottom of what felt like a gargantuan shit pit.
Despite my pleas for help, the one person I always believed would assist me when life turned upside down found the pit that he created too repugnant to even look at.
Thankfully, my journey led me to Tammy, who willingly jumped right in and stayed with me, holding my hand and encouraging me, until I was able to climb to the top and make my way out of that disgusting, gaping hole of misery. She promised me that there was good life ahead, and she was right.”
Anonymous
Have we met yet?
I’m Tammy!
After almost a decade of what I thought was an ideal marriage, the truth about my husband’s sexual integrity issues surfaced in 2015. That began the long, hard fight of healing both my marriage and myself.
But I made it through—and my marriage also survived. And while there are still scars, our marriage is deeper and more connected than ever.
During my journey, I realized the incredible need for help for women who have gone through betrayal and were searching for a way to find wholeness and healing.
I took my unique experience as a licensed professional counselor, coach, writer, and speaker and found my calling.
With clarity, empathy, and compassion, I now help women manage the effects of trauma, set healthy boundaries, and discover a life beyond betrayal.
When I’m not developing a new program or helping coaching clients 1:1, I love to go indoor skydiving, wander the streets of Paris, and go on adventures in the Colorado mountains with my husband and four kids.
Tammy’s expertise and along with her wisdom and life experience, offer a safe place to take the necessary steps towards healing.
“Working with Tammy around betrayal trauma has been a massive part of my healing journey. Tammy has an incredible gift of listening to your needs and where you are in the process. Her expertise and along with her wisdom and life experience, offer a safe place to share and know she cares as she coaches you through invaluable steps towards healing.”
KR
If you want to learn more about how to reclaim your life and rebuild a better future after sexual betrayal, follow me on Instagram @tammylgustafson.
That’s where you’ll see me navigate the sensitivities and healing process of betrayal and help you find joy, beauty, and purpose again in your life.