Betrayal Healing Phases
Quiz Results
The 4 Phases of Healing
Based on your responses, your results show that you’re in:
Phase One: Reveal
In this phase of healing, your top priority is finding out the whole truth about the betrayal and what your partner has done.
You’re likely in shock or denial—trying to process how in the world this happened.
And you’re probably drowning yourself in a ½ gallon of mint chocolate chip (or a bottle of wine), feeling that your life is shattered into tiny bits.
Your emotions are likely all over the place. One minute you’re lying in the fetal position on the bathroom floor hysterical, feeling powerless, and want your partner to hold you. The next minute, you’re punching pillows in a fit of rage and disbelief—while muttering to yourself how you never want to see him again.
ALL these feelings are 100% normal. You’re not crazy!
When you experience sexual betrayal, it’s like every insecurity you’ve ever had suddenly feels true and like it is on steroids.
You may feel like this is your fault—convinced that if you were 20 pounds thinner, your boobs a DD instead of a B cup, you were more spontaneous and fun—that this wouldn’t have happened.
But, let’s get really clear on one point: This is not your fault!
It’s okay if you don’t believe that yet—but it is true…this is not your fault!
You don’t deserve this.
But most importantly: You’ll make it through.
Whether this is your first discovery or not, no matter how hopeless you feel at the moment, there’s healing on the other side.
His betrayal does NOT define you!
Right now, though, your only job is to keep breathing and focus on getting to the bottom of the truth about your life and relationship. (FYI: it’s possible to heal even without the whole truth, but if you hope for the relationship to recover, then this phase is crucial.)
The rest can wait.
No matter what, know that you don’t have to walk this journey alone—and healing is 100% possible.
At this moment, you may feel like suddenly everything you thought to be true is a lie.
You may be asking yourself…
- WHY? Why would my partner do this? How could he throw everything away?
- What else is he hiding? How can I trust he is now telling the truth after so many lies?
- How did I not see it? I feel like such a fool!
- Is it even possible to heal? I feel permanently damaged.
why
And, guess what…
Every women in your shoes has asked herself the same questions. You’re not alone.
It doesn’t matter the form of sexual betrayal — whether it was a physical affair, emotional affair, pornography addiction, or any other form of sexual acting out.
The point is that he betrayed you, and the pain is deep and real.
In fact, it’s trauma.
Therefore, it’s important to honor your emotions and allow yourself to grieve.
The truth of the matter is, no one prepares you for how to heal after betrayal, so you may be wondering what to do.
Here are a few suggestions of things you can focus on right now (along with several things you shouldn’t do).
Essential areas of focus in this phase:
01
Breathe.
Sometimes all you can do is breathe. Take one breath, then another, and feed your kids… If you get this done, consider it a success! (Showers are a bonus but not required.)
Be very gentle with yourself.
02
Truth.
The path to long-term healing begins with the truth.
As I said before, you deserve to know the whole truth about your life and your relationship—even if you get pushback. This is the building block to healing, particularly for the relationship.
03
Help.
Healing from betrayal is hard to do on your own, mainly because the healing journey is very counter-intuitive. And in fact, if you try to play by the old rules you’ll actually delay, if not stall, the healing process.
The best place to turn for help is to find a coach or counselor who specializes in this area. There are also support groups that’ll help you find the support of other women who are dealing with similar circumstances.
Areas NOT to focus on in this phase:
→
Forgiveness.
Now is NOT the time to forgive.
How come?
First, you need to know what you are forgiving. Second, you need to have time to grieve. Forgiveness is on the other side of anger, and it should happen over time and not feel rushed.
→
Trust.
Sometimes there’s pressure to trust again quickly (as if that will make the pain stop and make everything okay).
However, after sexual betrayal, it’s not a matter of you deciding to trust your partner again—it’s about him acting in a way that proves he’s trustworthy over a long period of time.
→
His Emotions.
In order to heal, you have to worry about your emotions first.
Right now, you need to stay focused on your emotions and what you need. If you start shifting and focusing on your partner’s feelings of shame, anger, or sadness, it can pull you out of your emotions and derail your healing process.
Let me let you in on a secret:
Sometimes after sexual betrayal, the relationship that needs the most healing is the relationship with yourself.
You might feel like you can’t trust yourself any longer. Maybe you’re angry with yourself for not realizing what your partner was doing (even if you had a gut feeling that something was wrong).
You could even be upset with yourself that you’ve stayed in the relationship this long—your head and heart sending conflicting messages at every turn…
If you feel this way, let me guide you through 3 core aspects of the healing process that are vital to healing and the relationship with yourself.
These three core aspects of healing include:
01
→ Developing your personal circle:
Put your arms out in a circle—this is your personal circle (it represents you).
Inside the circle is everything that makes you, you. This includes your emotions, likes and your dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, personality, dreams, failures, your favorite ice cream…everything.
Your personal circle (1) identifies who you are (2) defines what (and who) you’re responsible for.
This is the first step of healing — to reconnect with — or perhaps discover for the first time — who you are.
Once you have figured out what’s in your circle, the second step of developing your personal circle is to take responsibility for everything in that circle. If there’s an aspect of yourself that you’re neglecting, lean in and nurture it.
Your job is to love, care for, and own your circle.
The last step of developing your personal circle is to recognize that by defining what’s in your circle, you have also defined what’s not in your circle.
You see, other than young children, everyone else has their own circle. They are responsible for everything in their circle — their emotions, reactions, likes, dislikes, successes, and failures, to name a few.
Your partner has his own circle, and he is responsible for his actions, emotions, and reactions to you—don’t take on what’s not in your circle.
02
→ Honoring your emotions:
Betrayal unleashes intense emotions.
It’s important to process those emotions so they do not fester inside you and kill your soul.
The way to process emotions is by putting all of your thoughts and feelings into words. Get them out!
When you bury your emotions, you bury them alive. They don’t die. Instead, they hang out and low-grade fester for as long as you choose to ignore them.
Time does NOT heal all wounds—healthy processing does.
If your partner is safe, then express them to him. If he’s not safe, you may need to share them with a counselor or a safe friend.
03
→ Embracing your worth and value:
You have great worth and value. Your thoughts and feelings are important.
If you struggle to believe this, get people around you to help you step more fully into those truths. There’s POWER when you embrace your self-worth and trust the truth.
The truth is that your sheer existence makes you worthy.
Think of your child, grandchild, or your pet Shih Tzu. Do they have to prove their worth? Is their value based on how they perform or what they look like?
No! The same is true for you.
You are here for a reason. You have a purpose, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
You don’t have to fight for your worth. You already have it. You just have to accept it.
Embracing these three core aspects of the healing process is the first step to healing after a betrayal.
“Feeling the pain is the first step toward healing the pain. The longer we avoid the feeling, the more we delay our healing. We can numb it, ignore it, or pretend it doesn’t exist, but all those options lead to an eventual breakdown, not a breakthrough.”
Lysa TerKeurst
It’s possible to heal. It’s possible to get to a place where…
- You can breathe again without feeling like there’s a 20-pound weight on your chest, crushing you.
- You can get through a day without something reminding you of what’s happened, making you crumble to your knees.
- You’ll see joy and purpose in life again.
AND…
- You’re finally able to find your voice, set healthy boundaries, and feel empowered to make healthy decisions for yourself.
Everyone needs help along the way.
Here are some of my favorite books that might be helpful as you navigate your journey to healing.
- Betrayal Bind – Michelle Mays
- Worthy of Her Trust– Jason Martinkus
- Shattered Vows – Debra Laaser
- Try Softer – Aundi Kolber
“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.”
Unknown
I was able to climb to the top and make my way out of that disgusting, gaping hole of misery. Tammy promised me that there was a good life ahead, and she was right.
“When my partner unceremoniously destroyed the life I viewed as a fairytale, I found myself alone at the bottom of what felt like a gargantuan shit pit.
Despite my pleas for help, the one person I always believed would assist me when life turned upside down found the pit that he created too repugnant to even look at.
Thankfully, my journey led me to Tammy, who willingly jumped right in and stayed with me, holding my hand and encouraging me, until I was able to climb to the top and make my way out of that disgusting, gaping hole of misery. She promised me that there was good life ahead, and she was right.”
Anonymous
Have we met yet?
I’m Tammy!
After almost a decade of what I thought was an ideal marriage, the truth about my husband’s sexual integrity issues surfaced in 2015. That began the long, hard fight of healing both my marriage and myself.
But I made it through—and my marriage also survived. And while there are still scars, our marriage is deeper and more connected than ever.
During my journey, I realized the incredible need for help for women who have gone through betrayal and were searching for a way to find wholeness and healing.
I took my unique experience as a licensed professional counselor, coach, writer, and speaker and found my calling.
With clarity, empathy, and compassion, I now help women manage the effects of trauma, set healthy boundaries, and discover a life beyond betrayal.
When I’m not developing a new program or helping coaching clients 1:1, I love to go indoor skydiving, wander the streets of Paris, and go on adventures in the Colorado mountains with my husband and four kids.
Tammy’s expertise and along with her wisdom and life experience, offer a safe place to take the necessary steps towards healing.
“Working with Tammy around betrayal trauma has been a massive part of my healing journey. Tammy has an incredible gift of listening to your needs and where you are in the process. Her expertise and along with her wisdom and life experience, offer a safe place to share and know she cares as she coaches you through invaluable steps towards healing.”
KR
If you want to learn more about how to reclaim your life and rebuild a better future after sexual betrayal, follow me on Instagram @tammylgustafson.
That’s where you’ll see me navigate the sensitivities and healing process of betrayal and help you find joy, beauty, and purpose again in your life.